“Would you like to join the fast track queue, Miss? Because you’re pregnant?”
This question was posed to me by a member of staff while Ed and I waited in line to purchase some fast food during a short break in France that we took. After politely correcting the lady – I am not pregnant – and seeing the look of horror and confusion on her face, I promptly cried my eyes out. Was the pretty white summer smock dress, bought after being inspired by my favourite Instagram influencer, really that unflattering on me? It certainly affected my mood for a good hour or two as body image is something that really haunts and plagues me. However, I put it behind me and went about my trip as I was determined it wasn’t going to ruin my precious time with my man.
Cue the return to work after some time off. Cue the packed Monday morning commuter train into London Waterloo, the heat on a July day, the delays, pushing and shoving and general unpleasantness. Add to this a headache, for which I had taken a dose of codeine (double dose actually, I discovered afterwards – whoops) and it makes for a horrid journey at the best of times. But it was made a whole lot worse by a sudden waive of nausea and sweatiness which caused me to go and sit in the scary in-between bit of the carriages of the train and promptly faint. Strange, I thought. I was not usually a fainter.
I put it down to the codeine. As usual in this situation, I called my Mum as she works in the medical profession. She confirmed my thoughts, as “codeine can lower your blood pressure” and advised I didn’t double dose again. Fair comment. However something wasn’t sitting right with me…I had this strange feeling, which I can’t really explain. It told me to head out to Superdrug on the way into work and buy a pregnancy test. I bought the cheapest one as surely they all do the same thing and it was probably wrong anyway.
Fast forward to me sitting in the bathrooms at work aghast and confused. Positive. Surely not. I’ll double check at lunchtime with a second test. Funny, my opinion about getting a cheap test completely reversed at this point – only the Clear Blue digital one which tells you how far along you are would do now!
Yep. Positive. 2-3 weeks.
I have, for most of my adult life wanted to have children one day. Then, meeting Ed and seeing him with his kids secured this feeling further. However it was definitely a ‘surprise and delight‘ to say the least! Ed had 4 children already – at that time ranging from 29 down to 10 years old. So why would he want another now?
That was the longest working day of my life. I couldn’t tell him over text so I had to wait until I got home. This moment, of telling your loved one the news should be the happiest one going. However for me it was unplanned and filled me with utter terror. I rehearsed in my head all the way home what I was going to say but all that came out was something along the lines of “I’m so sorry” whilst sobbing with fear…not the beautiful movie moment we all fantasise about!
Looking back at this moment has really made me think. Life is not like it is in the movies – certainly not the glamorous I’m Pregnant moment we all see with the man scooping her up in his arms and crying with joy. However I’m not sad about it. It prompted us to really think about what sort of life we could give a little person and consider it fully before committing as we both knew how special this little one would be. A piece of both of us. The eventual result? Deciding that we couldn’t afford to spend a huge amount a month on rent as it was so let’s do it, let’s buy a boat and become gypsies!
It made me realise that it doesn’t matter how you rehearse things or foresee them going. It doesn’t matter if you break the news in a perfect Instagram-worthy way or through a cloak of snotty tears, with the right person in your life it will still be a beautiful moment nonetheless.
They say some women know when another is pregnant – they have this spooky subconscious feeling. Maybe that lady knew.